Star Wars Meets Personal Injury Law, Episode II

by Sokolove Law

TIE-Fighter Recall on 2015 Model Slows down March of Imperial Fleet

Even when your equipment is “fully operational,” taking over the galaxy is no picnic. As Kylo Ren and the First Order prepare to “finish the work Vader started,” the last thing the Sith Lord wants to be thinking about is: “Well, hey now, will these airbags in my TIE-Fighter accidentally deploy just because I hit a cool 1,200 kph in the course of battle?”

The new TIE-Fighting fleet has a distinctive look – everyone agrees red is the perfect accent color for total, galactic domination – but the recent downing of several TIE-Fighters has commanders second-guessing the safety of their pilots.

As one would guess, the starched and mysterious First Order has been pretty tightlipped about TIE-Fighters and the production process. Oh, they remember – and all too well – what can happen when blueprints of their heavy-duty, planet-destroying machinery falls into Rebel hands. Even so, early reports indicate that the red enamel used to distinguish the new generation of TIE-Fighters takes longer to dry than their engineers originally thought. And so, what was supposed to honor Kylo Ren and his fiery red crossguard lightsaber is turning out to be a thorn in his side.

The Cause of All the Malfunction Is More than a Matter of Streaky Red Paint

Until the red enamel has fully cured, a process which can take more than 3 days, it emits toxic fumes which can cause even the steadiest of Sith Lords headaches, nausea, and dizziness. The discomfort was noted by the electricians and assemblers working on the TIE-Fighters.

In the rush to be “Battle-Ready,” many of the workers were putting in long hours all the while inhaling the enamel’s fumes. However, at many large galactic corporations – and the First Order is no exception – supervisors often have little patience for the well-being of their rank-and-file workers.

“You don’t move up in the First Order by whining,” said an engineer who wished to remain anonymous. He continued,

“Yes, sir. Right away, sir. That’s really all they want to hear. ‘Oh, is the enamel making your eyes sting? Yeah? Do your hands shake while you’re trying to wire the sideblaster to the firing-assembly? Huh? Shame.’ These are what management calls, ‘You-Problems,’ and now that it’s coming back to bite them . . . It’s a ‘Them-Problem’ now. Hahahaha-cough-cough…”

In hindsight, the grueling combination of long shifts and questionable working conditions should have been a red flag. Instead of listening to their disoriented workers, supervisors cracked the whip for fear of being sent to a slave-colony and/or being throat-killed by their own higher-ups – and now the invasion is stalled, as a host of mechanical and electrical issues are plaguing the fleet.

Source: giphy

Source: giphy

An Ex-TIE Pilot Speaks out

“The First Order is big on . . . order,” said one former TIE-Fighter Pilot who did not want us to use his/her real name. The unidentified TIE-fighter Pilot went on,

“Have you ever seen the deck of a star destroyer? It’s no surprise we take pride in our neat and tidy parking – our flight decks look immaculate. But what do you think happens to all that neatness when you’ve got your TIE-Fighter in ‘Park’ – and the stick shift says as much – but in reality, the thing’s actually in ‘Reverse’? I mean, how would you even know until it’s too late?”

The defect in the transmission of one such TIE-Fighter resulted in significant injuries to personnel as well as loss of employment. If this was an isolated incident, it might be cause for a menacing laugh, or for a goofy YouTube video with some tweedily-deedily music overlay, but as more and more incidents pile up, there’s every indication that this problem runs deeper than a Kessel mine.

Admiral Winterkorn, the mastermind behind the 2015 TIE-Fighter, has resigned from his post as Chief of Starfighter Development, and could not be reached for comment. Knowing the First Order’s policy for failure, we expect he may have resigned from breathing as well. With Winterkorn gone, the next obvious step would be recalling the 2015 TIE Fighter. But the time-table for battle may force the First Order into action with the Rebels who have preyed on such weaknesses before.

Defects Exploited by Rebels in the Past

According to Admiral Conan Motti, shortly before he was choked to death by Lord Vader’s FORCEful grip, “Any attack made by the Rebels against this station would be a useless gesture, no matter what technical data they’ve obtained.” The station Motti was referring to? The First Death Star. Sure, it seemed invincible when it blew Alderaan out of existence, but there’s a reason they call it the First Death Star. . .

Admiral Motti, along with many other Imperial personnel, had to eat those words at The Battle of Yavin, because the rebels did exploit a key piece of technical data. All it took was 2 force-guided proton torpedoes hitting a small exhaust port on the surface of the First Death Star to cause the super-expensive battle station the same fate of the many planets it destroyed. The negligence of the engineers and specialists who left the First Death Star exposed cannot be overstated.

On the eve of a new battle, we wonder: Is the First Order doomed to repeat the same mistakes of old?

Source: giphy

Source: giphy

The Dark Side of Shoddy Work

For all the pomp surrounding the First Order’s new fleet, we may just be looking at lipstick on a Wookiee. “I looked the fool that day on the deck, I know,” said the TIE Pilot,

“But my fighter isn’t the only one with a defect. I’ll be happier than a Bantha in a garbage pit to be on the sidelines the first time they try to put these newfangled TIE-Fighters into action. The Rebels are scum, sneaky scum, and our pilots have to be quicker than lightning getting into the air when those Jedi-lovers attack. It’ll be a scramble, it always is, and with a bunch of miswired TIE-Fighters taking off at once, we can only hope the scene doesn’t wind up looking like Watto’s junkyard.”

No one would accuse the First Order of being cowards, but given the Rebel’s ability to sniff out the soft spots in their opponent’s machinery, we can’t help but recommend that those in charge slow down, take their foot off the accelerator, and be 100% certain that the pedal doesn’t stick to the floor.


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