Star Wars Meets Personal Injury Law, Episode V

by Sokolove Law

Corporate Tatooine Rocked by News of Jawa Unionization

A bummer to hardly any lifeform across the galaxy, Jawas have long held the title of Most-Pathetic Creatures in the Outer Rim. In cantinas from Coruscant to Degobah, Naboo to Hoth, the small, cloaked creatures are the butt-end of many unfriendly jokes.

What caliber of ‘unfriendly,’ you ask? Well, there’s the old classic: “What do Jawas and Selbuba’s pod racer have in common?”

Answer?

“They both belong in the trash heap.”

Yeah, that kind of level of unfriendly.

But it seems as if the tiny desert-dwellers have finally had enough. Tatooine’s media exploded Tuesday night when the news that the Jawa species would unionize was announced at the 629th annual Jawa Planetary Conference (JPC).

A video from the highly secretive gathering, held somewhere in the Kenobi Canyons to the south of Mos Eisley, leaked via BanthaTube.tat, a Sand People-operated website typically utilized for liking and sharing cute, homemade cat videos.

The BanthaTube video shows one Jawa speaking before a congregation of thousands of fellow Jawas. If you watch the video, what’s striking is that it is impossible – without a whole bunch of mental gymnastics – to know the identity of this one Jawa leader, as it is always impossible to tell the identity of any and all Jawas on account of their all looking exactly the same. And because of the fact that their faces – if at all unique – are hidden in the impossibly black shadows of their floppy, brown hoods.

Oondeedee!” The unidentifiable Jawa-leader cries, to great applause from the crowd. Our protocol droids have deciphered the scream to mean something like,

“Fellow Jawas! For far too long has our species been exploited by the corporations! For far too long have our brothers and sisters fallen ill due to unsafe working conditions in the Sandcrawlers! It’s time that we, the natives of this marvelous, sandy planet, rise up and demand justice! It’s time that we unite, Jawas of Tatooine!”   

After the leader Jawa delivered his/her powerful speech, which lasted all of 1 second, it disappeared into the sea of other, anonymous Jawas. Though authorities have expressed interest in opening a dialogue with this leader, it’s safe to assume that we’ll never – ever – know which Jawa of the bunch was the ringleader, why it decided to band all fellow Jawas together, what its master plans are, etc.

A Closer Look at Tatooine’s Most Marginalized Community

For sake of simplification, and if we’re being brutally honest, the Jawas are a human-toddler-sized, rodent-seeming species native to Tatooine. “Rodent” maybe sounds offensive, but in all seriousness they have long, pointed snouts, brownish-gray fur, and giant buckteeth. They look exactly like rats. Upright-walking rats. Jawas are best-known for their characteristically brown cloaks, glowing yellow eyes, and incredibly stingy negotiation tactics. Their affinity for salvaging and rebuilding broken droids has left the Jawas with a reputation for being dirty or “dusty,” a racist term used by the human colonists of Tatooine meaning, more or less, “disgusting”; as in: “do not touch – this thing is absolutely appalling and gross.”

Given all that, how they’ve managed to stay in business this long is, frankly, beyond your humble correspondent.

The unofficial Jawa motto is: “Look not for uses in a salvaged item, but rather imagine someone else who might find a use for it.

But if you hear their motto delivered in real-person it sounds more like: “hooo-dee-nee!”

How they can pack so much meaning into such a short, verbal yelp is lost on most scholars.

Due to the anti-Jawa prejudice of many human employers in Mos Eisley and other desert settlements, the Jawas normally find work deep in the deserts of Tatooine, traversing the landscape in search of scrap metal from fallen satellites or abandoned space pods. Most Jawas work and live within Sandcrawlers – massive, tracked vehicles that roam the desert.

What’s really disturbing, if you care at all about Jawa rights, is that recent studies have shown the majority of Sandcrawlers contain Alderaaxis, a highly toxic material once mined on the now-obliterated planet Alderaan.

Alderaaxis is listed on the Galactic Research Organization Super un-Safe (GROSS) List. It’s long been proven to cause fatal diseases such as Rooze Disease, Bothan Redrash, and Mynock Fever. While employers have long covered up the knowledge that such a material can cause danger, the Jawas have been starting to piece it together after seeing more and more of their “oo-dee-nee”-calling compadres drop like flies.

Source: starwars.wikia.com

Source: starwars.wikia.com

Professor Skywalker, a medical researcher at the University of the Mos Eisley Cantina, says,

Sandcrawlers are really toxic deathtraps. I’d rather spend time in a rancor pit. Besides the alderaaxis, you’ve got broken droid parts, landcruiser components, and unbearable protocol droids that just won’t stop yammering on about how many forms of communication they’re fluent in. What’s more, a lot of that scrap is loaded with radiation.

Tension Mounts in Mos Eisley as Humans Look Far, Far Away, to Future of Scrap Business

News of the Jawa unionization was an unwelcome shock to many companies in the astromech-droid recycling industry – aka Tatooine’s largest economic sector (due to its lack of natural resources and dry atmosphere). Any lifeform unfortunate enough to grow up on Tatooine faces but 3 – devastatingly droll – choices when it comes to line-of-work: 1) moisture farming, 2) salvaging the deserts for scrap metal, or 3) petty criminal activity.

Sebulba, the former pod-racing champ and current CEO of ScrapCity, Inc., voiced his concerns to reporters:

“These Jawas must have Bantha brains. The Jawa union leaders should realize that if they don’t want to work in the Sandcrawlers, then the Tusken Raiders will. Sure, the Tuskens can be a bit unruly at times, but they’re always ready to make a paycheck. And they’re highly skilled at capturing droids he-he-he (cough, cough).”

Companies on Tatooine have long been loath to hire Tusken Raiders due to the group’s penchant for raising their club-like weapons above their heads in celebration after committing heinous acts of violence. But hire them they will, should this Jawa unionization gain any real traction. ScrapCity’s change in policy towards the Tusken Raiders could mark a significant improvement in Sand People-Mos Eisley relations, which have been at an all-time low since an entire Tusken colony was slaughtered by an unknown human Jedi.


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Leading up to the release of the new Star Wars film, Sokolove Law has published a series of themed blogs presented in the form of episodes. Be sure to check out the entire series!

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